The Book of Man: A Reading on Weddings

The Book of Man

V.3 - Ch.2 - Verse -17 - Line 42

"At his wedding* ceremony, a Real Man walks UP the aisle sternly and TAKES his woman from her father."

Sermon

When Napoleon became ruler of France the custom was for the pope or cardinal whatever to place the crown on the new king's head. Translation: It's mine, I can give it to you and I can take it away. Instead, Napoleon took the crown from the pope and placed it on his own head. In doing so Napoleon emasculated the pope in front of everyone and took all the power for himself. You must do the same at your wedding or everyone will think you're a pussy. And they'll be right.

You're Welcome.

*The Book of Man does not, in general, condone marriage. But there are exceptions.

A Reading From the Book of Man

How To Be A Real Man** (V. 6 Ch. 18 Verse 82 Line 307)

"Real men drink breast milk."

Sermon***
What are you a pussy?! Women produce a life sustaining substance from their tits. Drink it!

You're welcome.


**How to be a Real Man is an epic and surprisingly lucid stream of consciousness dictated by a vagrant wastrail or 'homeless n'er-do-well' who followed me around high school insisting that he was my father and that it was necessary for him to A:Live with me and B: Follow me around high school to make sure I didn't grow up to be a pussy. It is an encyclopedia of testosterone fueled wisdom. Impossible to fully understand on your own, How To Be A Real Man must be accompanied by a Real Man to explain its' many rules and parables to you...especially if you're a pussy. It's kind of like how a priest explains you the bible and you put your money in baskets to shelter and feed him. Except in that case, you're still a pussy.

***Sermons are explanations of the rules/parables found in 'How To Be A Real Man'. Sermons are usually yelled, they usually begin with the rhetorical question: "What are you a pussy?", and are ALWAYS punctuated with a slap to the back of the head.

Pete

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

When we're young we begin to speak by mimicking the words we hear our parents say (Our first word: Bastard). This is not truly speaking. By the time we reach maturity we express thoughts and opinions on the world around us by repeating the thoughts and opinions expressed by others. This is not truly thinking. Today I bought coffee at a small cafe' in CobbleHill, Brooklyn. Being an independent cafe', and being located in CobbleHill, Brooklyn, it was naturally filled with very self satisfied (White) people feeling and thinking deep feelings (deep in their bowels) and thoughts brought on by caffeine highs. On my way out I heard this blessed little piece of wisdom - "Everything I need to know about life I learned in Kindergarten." - followed by this equally blessed little piece of agreement - "That's so true." (It's possible that both of those women spend their days napping, crying and eating glue.) My first reaction was to remember a lesson I learned in Kindergarten about sharing. My classmates and I learned about the very first Thanksgiving. We were taught that Pilgrims and Indians were the best of friends and the tradition of thanksgiving was first practiced as a sort of get-to-know-your-neighbor community dinner celebrating diversity and sharing food, and traditions. I've never heard a Pilgrim or an Indian deny this. Actually I don't think I've ever seen an American Indian in person. (Maybe...). Come to think of it, we never did learn where those little red rascals got off to. Maybe a farm somewhere where they have lots of room to run and play and exist. I guess we did learn a lot in Kindergarten.
Maybe what the first women meant to say was "I haven't learned anything about life since Kindergarten." That's possible. But, it's too late. I'd bet my life (Oh Foxwoods! That's where we've seen one!!) the second girl repeated that thought at least a hundred times before the day ended (Probably blogged it, twittered it and put it as her facebook status too). It's out there now and we're stuck with it like a recurring cold sore. (Hey, there's a lesson we've learned since Kindergarten.) ...Shut it.