60 Headlines you may have missed in 2009..

1. Vatican: Holocaust denier's apology not enough. World:A thousand years of murder, oppression, war and tyranny makes the vatican NOT a moral authority.
2: Obama seeks 200 Billion in war funds. Did you check the secret bank accounts Dick Cheney wore last night?
3: McCain gets high tech toy. Tries for several long minutes to turn it on before calling great grandson.
4: Police hunt 'Grim Sleeper' serial killer. Form uneasy alliance with Freddy Krueger.
5: Professor, wife accused of defrauding NASA. Proving finally that the bullshit pipe runs both ways.
6: Woman hangs by armpit above 50 foot cliff. In a related story; Woman plunges 50 feet to her well deserved death.
7: Four charged in assisted-suicide pact. It just doesn't pay to lend a helping hand these days.
8: Mrs. Obama says marriage isn't perfect. And the award for most un-appreciative spoiled bitch goes to...
9: Matt Groening looks to the future. Sees death.
10: Topless cafe serves only 18 and older. In the most clicked on and disappointing (no pics) headline of the day.
11: Obama reaches out to Russia over Nuclear Iran. Iran admonishes: "If you asked I would've passed you the begrudged alliance."
12: AIG bailout is "wrong approach". Says a useless media to an impotent government about a failing economy.
13: Economy prolongs some marriages, ends others. Either way alcohol sales expected to enter a new golden era in 2009.
14: Cafferty: My crush on Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama: My inability to keep anything I've eaten down since reading that headline.
15: Soldier mom reports for duty with kids in tow. Though its' government, police force and entire infrastructure are badly flawed and
corrupted, Iraq's childcare programs are some of the best in the region.
16: Dying man calls brother instead of 911. Will make for a touching speech by said brother at dying man's funeral.
17: New sexy tot mom photos "OK", judge rules. New sexy tot mom photos "FANTASTIC", rules this judge!!Mar. 4
18: Is worst over for job cuts? Maybe, but the jobless are in for one hell of a ride.
19: Coast guard ends search for missing boaters. Disproving the generally accepted saying "They're always in the last place ya look."
20: Obama denies reports on leaked letter. More denials to come.
21: Clinton visits Palestinian leaders in West Bank. Talks were planned but once the hooka came out, things just got..a little crazy.
22: "They told me to kill, to rape children." That's when I handed in my resignation to Walmart.
23: Martin: Why we secretly love earmarks. Caruso: Why no one really understands the American process of passing legislation.
24: Mom in coma wakes after kids beg for blink. Jesus CHrist! It's 5 am let the woman sleep.
25: Jane Alexander: Jindal wrong on arts funding. Jindal: Jane you ignorant slut.
26: "Little Houdini" slips from cops' grasp. My crystal ball tells me that "Little Houdini" is white.
27: Tot bites octuplet mom filming video diary. (March 4, 2009)
Teen kills octuplet mom chain smoking crack, watching reruns of 2009 reality show.(March 4, 2019).
28: 40-yard wide asteroid passes close to Earth. Tom Cruise missing.
29: Pastor opens up about porn addiction. Welcome brother pastor, we won't judge you here.
30: Should hunters switch to 'green' bullets? Should rapists use condoms?
31: Sudan leader dances after war crimes. Displaying the charm and nimble charisma that got him elected.
32: Wal-mart gets sales surge. Is it worth all the torture and killing?
33: Hundreds rally against prop 8. Protester's worry it will take more than a few hundred gays to overturn God's will.
34: Karl Rove will testify before congress. A dozen bibles have already melted in attempts to administer the oath.
35: Mrs.Obama's arms ignite fashion fury. Tony, Eddie and Pauly of South 'Jers' show support for their 'sleeveless sister'.
36: Rollins:Rush Limbaugh debate is idiotic.* The news source later corrected the typo; Rollins: Rush Limbaugh is an irrelevant cunt.
37: Train hits truck, which flattens bystander. Police suspect the work of well known terrorist group 'Sons of Rube Goldberg'.
38: Britney's body is back, but how's the show? Apparently, it's back.
39: Diners eat from toilets, drink from urinals. The Chinese restaurant chain which features an ice cream sundae named "Diarrhea with dried droppings" (Really) is said to be "Progressive" (also
really). Although freedom of religion, and speech are denied, and thousands and thousands of female children are kidnapped and sold into
marriage each year, you have to feel that a shit themed restaurant is a step in the right direction.
40: 'SVU' star Mariska Hargitay hospitalized. After being flattened by truck.
41: Baby allegedly thrown in trash after botched abortion. I'm not a doctor but that sounds more like a botched birth.
42: Walmart shopper finds human teeth in new wallet. Not my problem anymore.
43: 911 called after Mcdonald's runs out of nuggets. Authorities helpless in latest tragedy of recession '09.
44: Minor League ballplayer, Traded for bats, Died of Heroine. Baseball;National pastime or gateway drug?
45: Milla Jovovich became a "crazy alien" to lose 70 lbs. Katie Holmes did it to further her career.
46: Facebook users hit by new worm threat. Apparently this worm has the ability to take up hours and hours of the users time creating a psuedo-social life while it quietly digests your privacy and shits out advertising revenue.
47: Five cool day trips around the country. AND the money to even entertain the idea of a day hike in Colorado.
48: 'Hyper' kitty stuffed into smokey bong. Mittens will be remembered by pot smokers everywhere for her courageous demonstration and
self sacrifice in support of marijuana legalization.
49: 50 cent takes another shot at video games. Black American psyche take two steps back.
50: Dreaming dog lumbers into wall, wakes. In an even wilder occurence, a human printed that story.
51: Facebook invites user's to help set policy. The same way that the U.S. invites citizens to participate in government.
52: Commentary: Lifting image ban honors war dead. But are also a real bummer. ya can't put em on a bumper sticker that's for sure.
53: Tobacco products look like candy. And make you feel like Superman.
54: Octopus pulls plug, floods aquarium. The escape attempt was thwarted when the getaway driver, a sea horse, was shot to death by
Aquarium guards. Citing a total of 500 rounds fired, Animal rights groups are claiming excessive force.
55: NFL's Brady marries model Giselle Bunchen. New home to be composed completely of mirrors.
56: Navarett: What Mexico drug war means to US. Cheaper, higher quality blow: Capitalism 101.
57: Corpse found in car ticketed 7 times. The owner of that car is gonna be PIIIISSED when he comes back.
58: Octuplets were mistake, mom tells Dr. Phil. But hindsight is always 20/20.
59: Chinese furious over Laurent sale of sculptures. But show no external signs of emotion.
60: Ed Mcmahon hospitalized. In bizarre aquarium fracas.