A Viking, A Wolf and A Clown Walks Into A Bar

Corey Haim : The Day the Music Died

2010-03-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning startled and confused to find that I had missed my first two appointments at the gym. Playing on the radio was Don Maclean's immortal tribute to the immortal Buddy Holly after his untimely and very mortal death. Did I set the alarm for the wrong time? No. Was the volume too low? No. It was higher than usual actually. So why didn't I wake up on time? I thought it didn't matter so I rushed to get ready and get to work. I was sprinting down court street when a front page news headline caught my eye, jerked my head around and pulled me off my feet throwing me flat down on my chest. I crawled my way over to the newstand panting. It was true. Corey Haim was dead. Suddenly my late wake-up made sense. The universe, waking me with American Pie, was telling me as subtly as possible that the immortal Corey Haim of 'Lost Boys' fame had finally, completely and irreversibly, died. I would just as soon have not woken up today. Because, from that moment on, nothing has made sense. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur. Right now, I am just struggling to stay on my feet, to eat (and keep it down), to perform the daily tasks that seemed so easy in a Pre-Corey-Haim's-Death world. Corey Haim is dead. The words seem strangely meaningless in that their implications are unfathomable like 'The Sun imploded today". So....no more light?? No more warmth??? No more Life. Cory Haim is dead. Don't bother drivin' your Chevy down to that ol' levy Mrs.Cunningham. The levy is dry and Corey Haim is dead. Them good ol' boys are down at the mill tyin' one on. One last honest drunk before hangin' up their boots 'til kingdom come. And Corey Haim...is dead. Goodbye Miss American Pie. Goodbye Corey Haim. Goodbye Sweet Prince.

The Book of Man: A Reading on Weddings

2010-02-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

The Book of Man

V.3 - Ch.2 - Verse -17 - Line 42

"At his wedding* ceremony, a Real Man walks UP the aisle sternly and TAKES his woman from her father."

Sermon

When Napoleon became ruler of France the custom was for the pope or cardinal whatever to place the crown on the new king's head. Translation: It's mine, I can give it to you and I can take it away. Instead, Napoleon took the crown from the pope and placed it on his own head. In doing so Napoleon emasculated the pope in front of everyone and took all the power for himself. You must do the same at your wedding or everyone will think you're a pussy. And they'll be right.

You're Welcome.

*The Book of Man does not, in general, condone marriage. But there are exceptions.

A Reading From the Book of Man

2010-02-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

How To Be A Real Man** (V. 6 Ch. 18 Verse 82 Line 307)

"Real men drink breast milk."

Sermon***
What are you a pussy?! Women produce a life sustaining substance from their tits. Drink it!

You're welcome.

**How to be a Real Man is an epic and surprisingly lucid stream of consciousness dictated by a vagrant wastrail or 'homeless n'er-do-well' who followed me around high school insisting that he was my father and that it was necessary for him to A:Live with me and B: Follow me around high school to make sure I didn't grow up to be a pussy. It is an encyclopedia of testosterone fueled wisdom. Impossible to fully understand on your own, How To Be A Real Man must be accompanied by a Real Man to explain its' many rules and parables to you...especially if you're a pussy. It's kind of like how a priest explains you the bible and you put your money in baskets to shelter and feed him. Except in that case, you're still a pussy.

***Sermons are explanations of the rules/parables found in 'How To Be A Real Man'. Sermons are usually yelled, they usually begin with the rhetorical question: "What are you a pussy?", and are ALWAYS punctuated with a slap to the back of the head.

Pete

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

2010-02-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

When we're young we begin to speak by mimicking the words we hear our parents say (Our first word: Bastard). This is not truly speaking. By the time we reach maturity we express thoughts and opinions on the world around us by repeating the thoughts and opinions expressed by others. This is not truly thinking. Today I bought coffee at a small cafe' in CobbleHill, Brooklyn. Being an independent cafe', and being located in CobbleHill, Brooklyn, it was naturally filled with very self satisfied (White) people feeling and thinking deep feelings (deep in their bowels) and thoughts brought on by caffeine highs. On my way out I heard this blessed little piece of wisdom - "Everything I need to know about life I learned in Kindergarten." - followed by this equally blessed little piece of agreement - "That's so true." (It's possible that both of those women spend their days napping, crying and eating glue.) My first reaction was to remember a lesson I learned in Kindergarten about sharing. My classmates and I learned about the very first Thanksgiving. We were taught that Pilgrims and Indians were the best of friends and the tradition of thanksgiving was first practiced as a sort of get-to-know-your-neighbor community dinner celebrating diversity and sharing food, and traditions. I've never heard a Pilgrim or an Indian deny this. Actually I don't think I've ever seen an American Indian in person. (Maybe...). Come to think of it, we never did learn where those little red rascals got off to. Maybe a farm somewhere where they have lots of room to run and play and exist. I guess we did learn a lot in Kindergarten.
Maybe what the first women meant to say was "I haven't learned anything about life since Kindergarten." That's possible. But, it's too late. I'd bet my life (Oh Foxwoods! That's where we've seen one!!) the second girl repeated that thought at least a hundred times before the day ended (Probably blogged it, twittered it and put it as her facebook status too). It's out there now and we're stuck with it like a recurring cold sore. (Hey, there's a lesson we've learned since Kindergarten.) ...Shut it.

Today's Top Headlines

2010-01-30T07:21:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday, January 30th, 2010. Your name is Pete, you've taken a powerful hallucinogenic. Nothing you see is real. Stay calm.

Today's top stories. CNN Headlines to stories I didn't read.

1. Gay dating advertisement sacked by CBS. Really CNN? Sacked? Why didn't you just say "Gay dating advertisement sucked off CBS schedule in political reach around.".

2. Police: 743 lbs of Pot in septic tank. Pete: 1 fluid oz of Jizz in my pants.

3. Pics of drinking Aid Doctors (in Haiti) cause uproar. After finishing their uproar, protestors got in their cars , turned on the heat, plugged in their ipods and drove home. Once home they had a light snack (even though they promised themselves they wouldn't eat after 8pm anymore, but hey they earned it today.) watched Jersey Shore in HD on DVR and finally retired to their beds comfortable and safe. Their last thought before drifting off into a dreamless slumber; "Thank God I'm not in Haiti.'

Speaking of Jersey Shore, in Entertainment news:

4. Snooki disses Springer. Which reminds me of the time I watched my dog eat his own throwup.

And That's everything that happened so far today.

About Me:

2010-01-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

When I was young I saved the life of a leprechaun. In return he awarded me three four-leaf-clovers which were each good for one wish. I couldn't believe it. Three wishes! I could have, do, or be ANYTHING I wanted! With this unlimited potential I felt great about everything, so I went out to play basketball. That was ten years ago and I still haven't used one. Probably because I'm afraid I'll wish for the wrong thing. I also just don't wanna run out of wishes ya know? Although come to think of it they've probably expired or died by now. And, who knows if they ever would have worked anyway. Fuck it, I'll just throw 'em out.

60 Headlines you may have missed in 2009..

2010-01-15T11:31:00.000-08:00

1. Vatican: Holocaust denier's apology not enough. World:A thousand years of murder, oppression, war and tyranny makes the vatican NOT a moral authority.
2: Obama seeks 200 Billion in war funds. Did you check the secret bank accounts Dick Cheney wore last night?
3: McCain gets high tech toy. Tries for several long minutes to turn it on before calling great grandson.
4: Police hunt 'Grim Sleeper' serial killer. Form uneasy alliance with Freddy Krueger.
5: Professor, wife accused of defrauding NASA. Proving finally that the bullshit pipe runs both ways.
6: Woman hangs by armpit above 50 foot cliff. In a related story; Woman plunges 50 feet to her well deserved death.
7: Four charged in assisted-suicide pact. It just doesn't pay to lend a helping hand these days.
8: Mrs. Obama says marriage isn't perfect. And the award for most un-appreciative spoiled bitch goes to...
9: Matt Groening looks to the future. Sees death.
10: Topless cafe serves only 18 and older. In the most clicked on and disappointing (no pics) headline of the day.
11: Obama reaches out to Russia over Nuclear Iran. Iran admonishes: "If you asked I would've passed you the begrudged alliance."
12: AIG bailout is "wrong approach". Says a useless media to an impotent government about a failing economy.
13: Economy prolongs some marriages, ends others. Either way alcohol sales expected to enter a new golden era in 2009.
14: Cafferty: My crush on Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama: My inability to keep anything I've eaten down since reading that headline.
15: Soldier mom reports for duty with kids in tow. Though its' government, police force and entire infrastructure are badly flawed and
corrupted, Iraq's childcare programs are some of the best in the region.
16: Dying man calls brother instead of 911. Will make for a touching speech by said brother at dying man's funeral.
17: New sexy tot mom photos "OK", judge rules. New sexy tot mom photos "FANTASTIC", rules this judge!!Mar. 4
18: Is worst over for job cuts? Maybe, but the jobless are in for one hell of a ride.
19: Coast guard ends search for missing boaters. Disproving the generally accepted saying "They're always in the last place ya look."
20: Obama denies reports on leaked letter. More denials to come.
21: Clinton visits Palestinian leaders in West Bank. Talks were planned but once the hooka came out, things just got..a little crazy.
22: "They told me to kill, to rape children." That's when I handed in my resignation to Walmart.
23: Martin: Why we secretly love earmarks. Caruso: Why no one really understands the American process of passing legislation.
24: Mom in coma wakes after kids beg for blink. Jesus CHrist! It's 5 am let the woman sleep.
25: Jane Alexander: Jindal wrong on arts funding. Jindal: Jane you ignorant slut.
26: "Little Houdini" slips from cops' grasp. My crystal ball tells me that "Little Houdini" is white.
27: Tot bites octuplet mom filming video diary. (March 4, 2009)
Teen kills octuplet mom chain smoking crack, watching reruns of 2009 reality show.(March 4, 2019).
28: 40-yard wide asteroid passes close to Earth. Tom Cruise missing.
29: Pastor opens up about porn addiction. Welcome brother pastor, we won't judge you here.
30: Should hunters switch to 'green' bullets? Should rapists use condoms?
31: Sudan leader dances after war crimes. Displaying the charm and nimble charisma that got him elected.
32: Wal-mart gets sales surge. Is it worth all the torture and killing?
33: Hundreds rally against prop 8. Protester's worry it will take more than a few hundred gays to overturn God's will.
34: Karl Rove will testify before congress. A dozen bibles have already melted in attempts to administer the oath.
35: Mrs.Obama's arms ignite fashion fury. Tony, Eddie and Pauly of South 'Jers' show support for their 'sleeveless sister'.
36: Rollins:Rush Limbaugh debate is idiotic.* The news source later corrected the typo; Rollins: Rush Limbaugh is an irrelevant cunt.
37: Train hits truck, which flattens bystander. Police suspect the work of well known terrorist group 'Sons of Rube Goldberg'.
38: Britney's body is back, but how's the show? Apparently, it's back.
39: Diners eat from toilets, drink from urinals. The Chinese restaurant chain which features an ice cream sundae named "Diarrhea with dried droppings" (Really) is said to be "Progressive" (also
really). Although freedom of religion, and speech are denied, and thousands and thousands of female children are kidnapped and sold into
marriage each year, you have to feel that a shit themed restaurant is a step in the right direction.
40: 'SVU' star Mariska Hargitay hospitalized. After being flattened by truck.
41: Baby allegedly thrown in trash after botched abortion. I'm not a doctor but that sounds more like a botched birth.
42: Walmart shopper finds human teeth in new wallet. Not my problem anymore.
43: 911 called after Mcdonald's runs out of nuggets. Authorities helpless in latest tragedy of recession '09.
44: Minor League ballplayer, Traded for bats, Died of Heroine. Baseball;National pastime or gateway drug?
45: Milla Jovovich became a "crazy alien" to lose 70 lbs. Katie Holmes did it to further her career.
46: Facebook users hit by new worm threat. Apparently this worm has the ability to take up hours and hours of the users time creating a psuedo-social life while it quietly digests your privacy and shits out advertising revenue.
47: Five cool day trips around the country. AND the money to even entertain the idea of a day hike in Colorado.
48: 'Hyper' kitty stuffed into smokey bong. Mittens will be remembered by pot smokers everywhere for her courageous demonstration and
self sacrifice in support of marijuana legalization.
49: 50 cent takes another shot at video games. Black American psyche take two steps back.
50: Dreaming dog lumbers into wall, wakes. In an even wilder occurence, a human printed that story.
51: Facebook invites user's to help set policy. The same way that the U.S. invites citizens to participate in government.
52: Commentary: Lifting image ban honors war dead. But are also a real bummer. ya can't put em on a bumper sticker that's for sure.
53: Tobacco products look like candy. And make you feel like Superman.
54: Octopus pulls plug, floods aquarium. The escape attempt was thwarted when the getaway driver, a sea horse, was shot to death by
Aquarium guards. Citing a total of 500 rounds fired, Animal rights groups are claiming excessive force.
55: NFL's Brady marries model Giselle Bunchen. New home to be composed completely of mirrors.
56: Navarett: What Mexico drug war means to US. Cheaper, higher quality blow: Capitalism 101.
57: Corpse found in car ticketed 7 times. The owner of that car is gonna be PIIIISSED when he comes back.
58: Octuplets were mistake, mom tells Dr. Phil. But hindsight is always 20/20.
59: Chinese furious over Laurent sale of sculptures. But show no external signs of emotion.
60: Ed Mcmahon hospitalized. In bizarre aquarium fracas.

Who The Fuck Said THAT??

2010-01-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Can you tell which quote is from christian broadcasting network host pat robertson and which is from delusional Crackhead 'Joey' who preaches/lives in the Port Authority men's room? Answers at bottom, Good Luck!

1. "[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

2. " You just voted God out of your city."

3. "And they (haitians) got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.' True story. And so, the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.

Answers:1. pat robertson 2. pat robertson 3. Both pat robertson and the Crackhead preaching in the Port Authority men's room.

Disclaimer*** Joey is a fictional character. Port Authority crackheads may say crazy things but they generally don't have a TV show, an audience, or U.S. government officials in their pocket. Unfortunately, TV Evangelical Christians like Pat Robertson do.